it was me going too fast, that couldn’t actually catch every plot in the scenario. what wasted has been wasted, halt for struggle is not proper, still the path need to be walked to be a road. proceeding ahead, good luck to me.



        It was embarrassing, right after the sense of natural motivation arrived; the old face appeared to enhance the buried memory. I was once returning to the feeling of the old day honesty, pure hearted and motivated, thinking of the dedication of life; mostly by serving the country. I was a patriot back there, based on the young theory of statement; I had thrown myself to a side to prove the clarified statement made. This is so call patriotism I’ve known of. I was yearned those days,which feels like the whole country is alone with me to face anything. Day goes by, more I learned more I realized patriotism is not good enough for me or the country and our people. Some said patriotism is the last line of humanism of rogues, because they have no price left in their life but as a person of his country’s reputation. Soon after learning this, I understand dedication is more than to be a beneficiary of dedicatee. Benefit or repression form the dedicatee shall not affect the passion. It somehow similar to love, in a relationship love should be paid despite he/she depressing you or hate you.

        There is no devil haircut in my mind; I was fixed myself to this aspect for just too long. Trying to look from other ends is one thing and remember the days left behind is another, rediscover how I read everything.


        Isit the weather or what? Motivating the ambition to burn once again, blood sugarcongesting in my brain, but lost fast, I need not to think what to do or not toor how to. The feeling beyond yesterday returned in a sudden shack my brain mybrain thoughtless. No intention before fulfilling, I just know the way out. Itlet me read again; I was not stopping as I was thinking of like, just moving indifferent paces, some fast slow pauses in order to live the scenario; like theold days. Weather I m on a rail or not, I m moving forward to those unknown butcomprehended scene ahead. Just like nature or any spicy, I thought every pacearound was out of tune, but it’s just me playing it alone, weather it is or notit’s the tune fixed to me. Like the fingers connect to the palm, all in onepiece. Separation was not perfect description; my soul was just attempting morevariety or different ends.

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        Where was I? I can’t really recognize this question now, ’cause wasn’t paying attention at all. From years back there, I’ve been escaping the inevitable fact which struggling me through all these years. This is embarrassing and painful experience.

        Still I acknowledge I had to have a hard on to reboot myself, recovering from the absolute unfortunate. oddly no concern of how does it come and go. This vigor brought me power to go on, I didn’t know where to find my way but I’ve been kept moving for a while. A lot happened in this while, I had learned more, but just not enough.

        Since the departure in 2008, I was a zombie of no human sense and emotion. However the pain of lost of normal human mind has poked me to awake, raise my pulse and mind. Until now I’m still acquiring this invaluable treasure of every human being. when I was trying to recover, I was kept depressing myself like never before to prevent another hit. I know for me in such condition I can’t afford any more like that. I was relatively very protective that even didn’t aware by me.

        But one thing certainly gives me warning, it’s really tire to be so. I started to feel headache in like 2 years ago, I tried a psychological doctor and as a result, nothing helpful at all(government service=cheap unprofessionalism). As my teachers said that my problem is more internal to my personality that other would hardly discover or configure. I know I need to do this myself, looking for external solution or leave myself to some body is no way out.

Hate to hate

        The struggle in my heart can not stop and will not; bringing me unknown hatred is like the energy I need to live this life. Hating something I don’t really comprehend with; just want to bring the judgment to everything to acquire authority. Most likely because the desire of undimmed direction, the way out of this suffering struggle. However this tire procedure lets me understand the authority is not the philosophy to balance something, it is just the definition given by some people and accepted by some more people. Once I learned this trick I then started to hate the hate, isn’t it interesting?

Righteous lust

        It brought me power, but too much undesirable left over. I don’t deny the lust in my heart was burning just as hard as today’s, but it’s much twisted now. For simple physical nature to unmatchable pulses, have now become unreadable, the language disliked, or just like a part of inglorious history waiting to be erased.

I hate to know that but needing to know, as motioned this is exactly the authority I was looking for. To have a righteous definition for the lust but deny the love. I can feel the theory is surrounding me but just will not reach me. So I had denied it and also cried out say: where were you when I was suffering, wouldn’t you look at me when I need some attentions, where have you been when I needed you?