diary

It was my rationality that’s ruining everything, but also the very same that keeps us alive.

I can no longer tell it what to do; it began to think for itself.

Such was never something I committed to, but was compelled to.

We are no longer of the green we were and certainly safe from our imaginations.

Yet we will still be die-trying to have the chance we hadn’t had enough.

But time is our enemy, and it gets stronger by second.

it was me going too fast, that couldn’t actually catch every plot in the scenario. what wasted has been wasted, halt for struggle is not proper, still the path need to be walked to be a road. proceeding ahead, good luck to me.

reflexion

        It was embarrassing, right after the sense of natural motivation arrived; the old face appeared to enhance the buried memory. I was once returning to the feeling of the old day honesty, pure hearted and motivated, thinking of the dedication of life; mostly by serving the country. I was a patriot back there, based on the young theory of statement; I had thrown myself to a side to prove the clarified statement made. This is so call patriotism I’ve known of. I was yearned those days,which feels like the whole country is alone with me to face anything. Day goes by, more I learned more I realized patriotism is not good enough for me or the country and our people. Some said patriotism is the last line of humanism of rogues, because they have no price left in their life but as a person of his country’s reputation. Soon after learning this, I understand dedication is more than to be a beneficiary of dedicatee. Benefit or repression form the dedicatee shall not affect the passion. It somehow similar to love, in a relationship love should be paid despite he/she depressing you or hate you.

        There is no devil haircut in my mind; I was fixed myself to this aspect for just too long. Trying to look from other ends is one thing and remember the days left behind is another, rediscover how I read everything.

happy to have….not to have not

i was thinking to discover the healthy human mind, but soon i found out i dont give myself a brake to recover from wound. i did rush to recover, by stupid vigor and no sense desire. didn’t seem to be efficient at all, but keep me breathe. just like an breath exhale form the earth. this is no way to get me well; cant be healed by myself. i thought that’s a new way to go as they are the future, the only solution, my age is now a dawn. i sensed out that this is not the case, as instead…..this was the case. it was what i had found long before…..but once denied. i know i was too young to take that. but its not too late to retake it does it? thats how; i would happy to have, which is in my inventory. but not to have not.

nineteen

it’s 15th now, 2:13 am. i have been writing at this time, how did i put my day up side down? it’s so unusually for me, it doesnt like me any more; i’ve try to slow it down; to think of the luxury i’ve been experienced. but one thing draw me back, to struggle itself. also myself, i thought i wasn’t bright enough to put these on, but i still keep on it. kinda wrong tactic in wrong things.
days after, i dont remember it much; coz i dont have much lux on these days i suppose. but certainly i found myself consumed to a point that does recognize things i’ve know any more, i cant stop now, like a breath exhales from the earth. i dont know how long can i take; but already 19 years. i may not work it out soon, but not till the end.

today is cold, cold enough to freeze me. it’s good to be alone some time, coz i thought I was alone always. but these day brought me a new experience. things newly i’ve never feel about.
what will be next?