prose #1

While making his way home, he would imagine a conversation with a good elder, mentor, friend, or stranger who has profound recognition of this society and the world.

Convincing would it be to say he is wiser beyond his behavior as of now, but no one really understand why his conduct remain still a child’s in so many aspects.

So the sagacious person asks.

“You have grown, but still much to learn.”

“Indeed it would be.”

“But your behavior tells otherwise, it happens you ain’t so willingly to grown up kid.”

“Tell you what, I can grow up if I wish to, I can advance if I want to, I can throw away everything behind me if I care less enough like one another who has no means whatsoever to preserve what’s not retrievable if lost.”

A long sigh he exhales, and continues.

“People in this world have been pushed to grow up, they never really contemplated well enough before being urged to be a man or a woman for whatever purposes they’re required, they don’t even have time to think about the whole thing before the persons who dim themselves wise enough to decide how to think for the young. Do you even know why you want to grow up? Or what it meant to be?”

The man, with authority in his voice says.

“It’s not like you want to or not, only a child’s brain would produce such theory; it is only natural in every person’s DNA to become, not stay. It is shown in evolution, we adopt and we endure. You grow up when you do, there isn’t an option to pause your life in one way or the other, do you just realize what’s in your head is unreal and inefficient?”

“This is a choice; we have a choice, only fellow like you and obviously like anybody have forgotten how to make one. This is a trap of mass consciousness, when everyone around you thinks the same, inevitably you’re appealed to comply, because it feels safer to fall in a trap together than survive alone in the jungle. It’s how they exploit the weakness of every human’s consciousness to shape them the way they want, and while people like me try to resist by choosing the other way around, their agents, you fellows, the mass with unconscious consciousness would defend the doctrine they key in your mind by attacking us the bearers of the extinct cognition in human race.”

His audience is now astonished, but still disapproving.

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the way I cope

Once talking with friends about the best person that represents me in the old story, I was directly linking to the ones with good names, until now, however; names seem to be just interpretation to me.

I think I knew it along time always, just not to be bold to recognize it. How our personality match amusingly as there were events kept telling me how alike we have situated.

Am I hard to approach? That’s the question around their heads I suppose. Since I don’t proactively believe that I am isolated or being isolated direct or indirectly, people would just happen to have their distance away and I too tend to do the same.

Either friend or foe, the calling that haunting me. How did I come up with this? That I thought I’ve been neutral always. Emplaced my standard to the approved common ground and accommodate the dissimilitudes, but do I even need authority to embrace or cold-shoulder somebody? Should the words “a mountain couldn’t contain two tigers” make sense, or just the sense of cosmopolitism making in progress?

I didn’t actually have much concern to others’ estimate about my way of conduct. Always I’m just bold to excel myself for what I mean to do. However cautious, I have neglected which the most vicious nature of man. Reading the history of how many decent folks fallen to the intrigue of those spiteful schemers. I am not claiming to be any legit compared to them, but neither did I fail to maintain the integrity in our admonition at lease so far.

“Big tree attracts wind”, never really apprehend that until what happens onto myself, but should I really chop down my own limbs to concede those vile means? Bow to no one but myself in order to ride on the crest of my success?

As for him, people used to describe him as arrogant, aggressive and ambitious much, which is not a good model as a servant and a military man in our society in the past or even today. As for us, our boss must love the loyal more than the capable, is it because when men once “can” would just equal “will”? Does live up the nature of treachery due to the power they have in possession must contradict the allegiance to one? Trying in self distinction that leads to be distrusted by peers and superior, whenever seeing them being commended while being disregarded would just find the irrepressible height of jealousy rushing out of the chest. This is to be among the saddest thing that dismays a capable man. Haughty and agonistic, frivolous and indifferent toward others, the personality and attitude concealed similar within the both of us. Should the sense of complacence be the source of delirium in our mind?

But what should be named vice when the one with ambition attains frankly while those with justified names conduct the way sinister?

This is unverified if he’s truly involved in any selfish motives, but what he did for his lord was not arguably endeavored. He continued his duty to battle on the enemy as told when the one that told him died, but just suffered in the worst political struggle in the wrong time. Those who opposed him would just seem not to concern what the state needed in such critical time but focusing on how to seize the only person that’s supporting it. Although that’s the last word of the same one who passed to them, it just appeared to be personal much.

Despite he did try to seize military power, that’s only the righteous to do at the time which I may describe an insight that our values didn’t recognize. Nonetheless the irony, someone that alleged him to be a traitor and eager to take him out later actually proclaimed regretting didn’t defect in time.

So what are loyalty and integrity to be interpreted?

long time….no use……eh?

Since when was the last time, I won’t recall.

And when was the last time it came to live at the middle of night, maybe a decade? less?

The morning without glory in a decade.

Suppose that was the usual leftover nightly, but this time squirted like a fountain.

And I know, strange; that little itch; familiar…

But wasn’t readily speculating anything moist..

At lease not subjectively..

Thought if it was in my pants or bed, but mostly in my boxer.

Less fluid than expected and a bit kinda sticky…

Wasn’t ready to believe until then revealed.

Have I still been receiving such glory in my teenage, shall I be glad?

Not until what called “midnight sorry” came back.

But it’s good to feel young again, I shall cherish this.

How this came to perfectly fit my mood.

we think too much, but feel too little.

        How many times now I found something in me forfeited or I lost in something? Flooded data transmissions going endless on and it’s painful to strive a look at those colors. Release the shine and shyness doesn’t seemingly working decent to exorcise the demon from the past. The good sense of harmony and humor went dead silent, or am I just getting old to sense them? It went numb, but sensibly receivable, the vicious glory that used to soothe me. Until I chose to play the game and feel the friction but failed to get embraced, therefore the sensation gone wrong that provokes the disordered perfusion.


You are doing it wrong, back in the kitchen.

        Things that I can no longer substitute into and I always ask myself “where was I”, where the place so scattered and lost that unmindfully drifted to. Regarding doing all of these, just to mend the hollows in the pieces of my life, bring me back to the laughter I had before. I found it’s coming to be more difficult to weave the line from this persona, for how I started to mind of how other might perceive the view of mine, the absolute persona that everyone should’ve subjectively conceived.

Something conspire to?

        Supposed a firewoman should be good enough to extinguish the fire on my exoskeleton, but I have been greedier these days. Since I realized when I cross the line, I’ll deserve more, satisfactions never last; when it is to be the grace to pursue rather than rejoice the present. I have confused the purport of delight. Unskillful ones may just fail to control the fire but stoke it larger; yet it had once appealed to me however a firewoman not suit the job might still be hired to keep my garden. Besides, I like to see the wicked face one shows that would refute my definition, relevantly challenges all my balance. Too, the same face conspires to the laughter.

 

        Trying to review the history of glory apparently has no efficiency to improve the logic in my head. Never thought being a man could be so much more than a boy, so much to go, and to lose. Mischievous no longer is an option, but do we have to let go or let down those we cherish to accommodate those “must”? Those to be seemingly the so advanced logic toward fortune. Rushing to read all the physics was the way done, as the augmented content increasing the thinking sequences are now demanded to alter. Congested intelligence becomes indigestion of struggle, the answer can not be acquired in the room of secretion, I’ve learn all the physics that required to ignite, only to have a wick leads it glow.


        Persist in circulating the same procedure won’t let anything happen, afraid fail to stretch the flexibility could procrastinate the spring, but should I have a try at least to exercise the sense of elation once more, perhaps would it be consistently fits my physics and might there be surprise up ahead.


It can’t indicate too much, if conclusion doesn’t decide, find it somewhere else.

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but mistakes are to be made………..

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you are doing it wrong either………..

diary

There are walls and gaps between us, we can talk but unlike how we were talking without speaking in the days passed. Approximately 8 years gone, we had good times, too, bad times. The more we confront the more we learn, however the progress was not in the same schedule, we are heading to different ends. I thought the knowledge and wisdom I have learned could be the broad sense that one another would interpret in the same age, but the complexity of human mind is way too more than I’ve estimated.

How I conceive does not connect to his theory in his Matrix, once, assume he may realize the thought he load is his own bound in his life, but then his ignorant and mediocre movement reform my conclusion that let me rather tend to believe he’s still in the so dream.

The choice I made was more than his understanding and he probably still consider that is stupid to pick up oneself from the unrevealed picture, awake from the undisclosed consciousness.

I don’t know how long and how this friendship will last, only to hope he’s taking the other way not away me.

It’s kinda weird, that i put two different title in the same category of consciousness.
Both involve consciousness recognition, the former concentrates on the wisdom seeking procedure to philosophy, while latter focus on reading of human sensation of terror. Both images are the projection in the head of the person involving and reflect to the virtual world that projects back into their eyes.

This could be my best horror game despite I never played it instead watch youtube video to study the mythology and symbolism in it’s own conscious type. Nothing particular but just the message that wakes people, and I found there got a character suits to represent me at the moment.

Although I don’t seemingly have such projection to reflect anything, the color of it’s movement emerge the scenario that describes and satisfies almost completely to the violence in my heart. I don’t have much sin to be punished by him for now, only addicted to the role of how he compensate guilty and lusty repression.

Mighty and lustful

spectator life

Where were the tides that I tried to swim against? How I used to get involved to see more. The common belief and process in revelation of query. Random inquisition emerged to reform the theory in my head, leave me stand aside and behold the scene with unique aspect. whereas it said: “you don’t read when you’re in the game, only those read you perfectly from outer”. Spent years looking for the vantage point, avoid getting involve to anything much to acquire a comprehensive while unique aspect. But mistakes are to be made; same manner by its reversed logic could leave people in the labyrinth of contemplation.

Yesterday’s participation was righteous, curiosity curves me onto everything arousing, doing whatever happen on without concern of consequences whether dangerous withal doesn’t disturb the motivation of ongoing. Just because something named particular occurred in my life changed the style I conceive put my life presents totally different. Believed a new beginning should have erased the unsuited past to form a better preparation, despite the inglorious and disgrace were wretched to mention, still knowledge and wisdom have learned in these years. However, by the emotional critique the past is demanded to be abandoned to accommodate the sea of resurrection.

Witnessing other’s joy and sadness, tempted to participate, but also tended to stay in the state of sophistication while candid to judge and partake the game. Should nothing is there worthwhile to invest my time and heart? But the lights glowing outside that flicker my eyes are irresistibly appealing. I wasn’t capable to cover two positions at once; just picked a sofa back behind stage and watch the show. Supposed observation from the game could be as well experienced as in the game, but limitation of perspective one could confine have been underestimated, I did learn a part in parts, but doesn’t seem to be comprehensively good enough to enhance the way I live.

We all need to turn always to learn.

The ignorance in the faith of invulnerable state may set me inapproachable, but too, impotent to achieve the natural sensation should a human undergoes in its life. Both win and failure don’t count the successful index in life, however the courage to compete a race unlikely prevailable might. Daft, might one consider, but if you don’t move your ass, what would you gonna see from the comfortable sofa when something blocks the view?


From years everything all begun anew, I built it tall.

Misunderstood of pace and tune that the song was suppose to played, noise was made but still sung it out loud. Keep stacking what have learned everyday in the tower to convince myself the substance is within me as the spirit of this tower, but then realized the building was not live conscious and unable to commune to outer world, I found me unplugged.

Biding my time wander through the place where pass by times a day. Walking to every corner in this tower to explore what have been seen years but dislike uncovering what missed in these years, persisting of trying in different perspectives to view angles of sphere. Every once concerned of the tower might become vulnerable without me, reluctance and hesitation drained the intention instantly whenever thought of going out, dreaded perchance to commence all over again to build one another and lose what have worked all these years.

Notwithstanding the alert displays the warning sight in my head, life in this tower has been invariable, departure or reconstruction are languid to fulfill. The door is wide open and windows have a clear sight from this height, but I’m just trapping in the tower. Always wanted to leap a big forward but fear to see the ripple in the line, hoping and waiting princess the brave and beauty bring on the Christmas. Nevertheless the task up above might just create a tenant or a co-owner in this tower; moreover a neighbor as she may start building another beside this one. So I wonder should there be one that could confront more than I had and faithfully willing to sympathize and reconcile the violence in the heart of such restrained prince like me?

For some reason I can’t get the picture while in fully conscious. But once halt thinking, heart and vigor draw the line for me. Plus, since when we need pictures to listen music?

science and faith

         Feeling of disgracing again is emerging from my brain, probably the mad sensation leftover from last summer. Thinking of the greener grass always on the other side, the best seed is in my hand but not to grow any flower in the window.

        From one end to another trying to right a wrong appears as woeful attempt, but grandly the truth and righteousness are to be implemented. I had considered the so proper procedure that used to introduce the ordinary effect, but with this compromise, I wouldn’t be able to retain myself as what have been developed. If I would have chosen this path I would have it walking on.

        What’s to do is not always of the right or good, but just being done or going by some large horde. Picking a style for self is a fight between right and wrong, to acknowledge the right of right and the fine of wrong just like every individualist’s goal of its belief. To take this path is more than to be the authority among the many. As what I’ve learned back the days human beings are to be individual and do not determine by one another in its critical judgment.

        For some reason the congested emotions curve me to express the opinion, most sensibly the “she” should be the ideal object to press on. Still I can’t be comprehend with, will it be better to stick all individually or interactively? Some mistakes people used to make were to turn interaction into intercourse, but wise enough I tended to avoid the misfortune. This is somehow stupid by some aspect, but even Einstein made the same mistake for have his wife and child abandoned to hook up with his cousin. Apparently he claimed for the need of interaction by the soul and opinions or philosophy, however he turned into failed man in marriage, a good example of mistaking science to formula of relationship, also state out the world’s variety is not to be formulated.

        Exchange of emotion maybe indispensable but it merely related to the law over rationality. Once the humanity and its ethic have been lost it is a trading activity instead. If one will overcome one another’s love to attain its heart’s desire, it’s no love, because it’s not sufficiently extendable to involve various sentiments.

Lust=pervert?

        Love is comprehensive. It makes what we are. From aspect to theory; psychology to philosophy, any field in our society within emotional sensation, we sense love in any layer in our life. However people just don’t use to clutch on the wisdom when they clutch on one another with mellow words. Many have lust fulfilled where the wisdom in love was rarely present. We always engaged at the physical sensational attempt because it’s easier and much joyful in term, and we ignored the rightful meaning behind all these vigor. Gun don’t kill people, people kill people. Despite the tool makes evil, the ones who make it happen is not the tool itself.

        Things are always by sides, even the vicious ones. The message delivered is always certain only those receive the way unfortunate. For those sacred philosophy people recognize lust as unfortunate and inappropriate, those who dare to express the heart’s desire is to be cursed by the devil and likely to be purified by fire. Back in the days where civilization focuses the cult in the creator’s name by depressing the under-controllable natural emotion of whose gift, classifying the sin compensated in the cross and judge the pure fire that link one to another. The theory remained a critical ideology today, divine people with sacred words would describe the crime, but since it’s not relevant to crime in it’s plane of aspect it’s just what makes us human. The crime produce from the behavior is only applied to demoralization. The love and lust fulfilling in a faithful relationship is rather a bliss than a curse and merely have to do with crime. In common social recognition prostitution is to be the most obvious type indeed, of how people trade the inviolable commitment and abandon their completion as human beings. However as long as erotic doesn’t disturb ethic in one’s heart it is the bliss and joy one could have. Building fence away people can not secure the pureness; persisting struggle to offset a rush of blood to the head is unwisely moral but harmful to one’s sensation of sentiment. People don’t need cathedral in their heart to minimize the disturbance and insecurity lust may cause, but limitless faith by one another’s motion will ignite the fireworks in both their lives.