diary

There are walls and gaps between us, we can talk but unlike how we were talking without speaking in the days passed. Approximately 8 years gone, we had good times, too, bad times. The more we confront the more we learn, however the progress was not in the same schedule, we are heading to different ends. I thought the knowledge and wisdom I have learned could be the broad sense that one another would interpret in the same age, but the complexity of human mind is way too more than I’ve estimated.

How I conceive does not connect to his theory in his Matrix, once, assume he may realize the thought he load is his own bound in his life, but then his ignorant and mediocre movement reform my conclusion that let me rather tend to believe he’s still in the so dream.

The choice I made was more than his understanding and he probably still consider that is stupid to pick up oneself from the unrevealed picture, awake from the undisclosed consciousness.

I don’t know how long and how this friendship will last, only to hope he’s taking the other way not away me.

It’s kinda weird, that i put two different title in the same category of consciousness.
Both involve consciousness recognition, the former concentrates on the wisdom seeking procedure to philosophy, while latter focus on reading of human sensation of terror. Both images are the projection in the head of the person involving and reflect to the virtual world that projects back into their eyes.

This could be my best horror game despite I never played it instead watch youtube video to study the mythology and symbolism in it’s own conscious type. Nothing particular but just the message that wakes people, and I found there got a character suits to represent me at the moment.

Although I don’t seemingly have such projection to reflect anything, the color of it’s movement emerge the scenario that describes and satisfies almost completely to the violence in my heart. I don’t have much sin to be punished by him for now, only addicted to the role of how he compensate guilty and lusty repression.

Mighty and lustful
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spectator life

Where were the tides that I tried to swim against? How I used to get involved to see more. The common belief and process in revelation of query. Random inquisition emerged to reform the theory in my head, leave me stand aside and behold the scene with unique aspect. whereas it said: “you don’t read when you’re in the game, only those read you perfectly from outer”. Spent years looking for the vantage point, avoid getting involve to anything much to acquire a comprehensive while unique aspect. But mistakes are to be made; same manner by its reversed logic could leave people in the labyrinth of contemplation.

Yesterday’s participation was righteous, curiosity curves me onto everything arousing, doing whatever happen on without concern of consequences whether dangerous withal doesn’t disturb the motivation of ongoing. Just because something named particular occurred in my life changed the style I conceive put my life presents totally different. Believed a new beginning should have erased the unsuited past to form a better preparation, despite the inglorious and disgrace were wretched to mention, still knowledge and wisdom have learned in these years. However, by the emotional critique the past is demanded to be abandoned to accommodate the sea of resurrection.

Witnessing other’s joy and sadness, tempted to participate, but also tended to stay in the state of sophistication while candid to judge and partake the game. Should nothing is there worthwhile to invest my time and heart? But the lights glowing outside that flicker my eyes are irresistibly appealing. I wasn’t capable to cover two positions at once; just picked a sofa back behind stage and watch the show. Supposed observation from the game could be as well experienced as in the game, but limitation of perspective one could confine have been underestimated, I did learn a part in parts, but doesn’t seem to be comprehensively good enough to enhance the way I live.

We all need to turn always to learn.

The ignorance in the faith of invulnerable state may set me inapproachable, but too, impotent to achieve the natural sensation should a human undergoes in its life. Both win and failure don’t count the successful index in life, however the courage to compete a race unlikely prevailable might. Daft, might one consider, but if you don’t move your ass, what would you gonna see from the comfortable sofa when something blocks the view?


From years everything all begun anew, I built it tall.

Misunderstood of pace and tune that the song was suppose to played, noise was made but still sung it out loud. Keep stacking what have learned everyday in the tower to convince myself the substance is within me as the spirit of this tower, but then realized the building was not live conscious and unable to commune to outer world, I found me unplugged.

Biding my time wander through the place where pass by times a day. Walking to every corner in this tower to explore what have been seen years but dislike uncovering what missed in these years, persisting of trying in different perspectives to view angles of sphere. Every once concerned of the tower might become vulnerable without me, reluctance and hesitation drained the intention instantly whenever thought of going out, dreaded perchance to commence all over again to build one another and lose what have worked all these years.

Notwithstanding the alert displays the warning sight in my head, life in this tower has been invariable, departure or reconstruction are languid to fulfill. The door is wide open and windows have a clear sight from this height, but I’m just trapping in the tower. Always wanted to leap a big forward but fear to see the ripple in the line, hoping and waiting princess the brave and beauty bring on the Christmas. Nevertheless the task up above might just create a tenant or a co-owner in this tower; moreover a neighbor as she may start building another beside this one. So I wonder should there be one that could confront more than I had and faithfully willing to sympathize and reconcile the violence in the heart of such restrained prince like me?

For some reason I can’t get the picture while in fully conscious. But once halt thinking, heart and vigor draw the line for me. Plus, since when we need pictures to listen music?

science and faith

         Feeling of disgracing again is emerging from my brain, probably the mad sensation leftover from last summer. Thinking of the greener grass always on the other side, the best seed is in my hand but not to grow any flower in the window.

        From one end to another trying to right a wrong appears as woeful attempt, but grandly the truth and righteousness are to be implemented. I had considered the so proper procedure that used to introduce the ordinary effect, but with this compromise, I wouldn’t be able to retain myself as what have been developed. If I would have chosen this path I would have it walking on.

        What’s to do is not always of the right or good, but just being done or going by some large horde. Picking a style for self is a fight between right and wrong, to acknowledge the right of right and the fine of wrong just like every individualist’s goal of its belief. To take this path is more than to be the authority among the many. As what I’ve learned back the days human beings are to be individual and do not determine by one another in its critical judgment.

        For some reason the congested emotions curve me to express the opinion, most sensibly the “she” should be the ideal object to press on. Still I can’t be comprehend with, will it be better to stick all individually or interactively? Some mistakes people used to make were to turn interaction into intercourse, but wise enough I tended to avoid the misfortune. This is somehow stupid by some aspect, but even Einstein made the same mistake for have his wife and child abandoned to hook up with his cousin. Apparently he claimed for the need of interaction by the soul and opinions or philosophy, however he turned into failed man in marriage, a good example of mistaking science to formula of relationship, also state out the world’s variety is not to be formulated.

        Exchange of emotion maybe indispensable but it merely related to the law over rationality. Once the humanity and its ethic have been lost it is a trading activity instead. If one will overcome one another’s love to attain its heart’s desire, it’s no love, because it’s not sufficiently extendable to involve various sentiments.

Lust=pervert?

        Love is comprehensive. It makes what we are. From aspect to theory; psychology to philosophy, any field in our society within emotional sensation, we sense love in any layer in our life. However people just don’t use to clutch on the wisdom when they clutch on one another with mellow words. Many have lust fulfilled where the wisdom in love was rarely present. We always engaged at the physical sensational attempt because it’s easier and much joyful in term, and we ignored the rightful meaning behind all these vigor. Gun don’t kill people, people kill people. Despite the tool makes evil, the ones who make it happen is not the tool itself.

        Things are always by sides, even the vicious ones. The message delivered is always certain only those receive the way unfortunate. For those sacred philosophy people recognize lust as unfortunate and inappropriate, those who dare to express the heart’s desire is to be cursed by the devil and likely to be purified by fire. Back in the days where civilization focuses the cult in the creator’s name by depressing the under-controllable natural emotion of whose gift, classifying the sin compensated in the cross and judge the pure fire that link one to another. The theory remained a critical ideology today, divine people with sacred words would describe the crime, but since it’s not relevant to crime in it’s plane of aspect it’s just what makes us human. The crime produce from the behavior is only applied to demoralization. The love and lust fulfilling in a faithful relationship is rather a bliss than a curse and merely have to do with crime. In common social recognition prostitution is to be the most obvious type indeed, of how people trade the inviolable commitment and abandon their completion as human beings. However as long as erotic doesn’t disturb ethic in one’s heart it is the bliss and joy one could have. Building fence away people can not secure the pureness; persisting struggle to offset a rush of blood to the head is unwisely moral but harmful to one’s sensation of sentiment. People don’t need cathedral in their heart to minimize the disturbance and insecurity lust may cause, but limitless faith by one another’s motion will ignite the fireworks in both their lives.